I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- Ron White
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- Mark Twain
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- Mae West
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields
All generalizations are false, including this one.
- Mark Twain
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
- Natalie Wood
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
- Joey Adams
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
- Woody Allen
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
- Red Skelton
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
- Ronald Reagan
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
- Will Rogers
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
- Ronald Reagan
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
- Groucho Marx
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- Billy Connolly
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry A. Kissinger
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
- Bertrand Russell
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Don Marquis
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- George Carlin
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle
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